Coping Through Chaos

I sit here reflecting on the past several years. I don’t know about you, but I am not the same person I was pre-pandemic. Most people’s lives were upended entirely during that time, and several are still picking up the pieces. In many ways, my life was pretty chill during 2020; it was 2021 that things began to change significantly for me. But it was 2022 when my life was flipped upside down, specifically the week following July 11. On July 11, 2022, I received an autistic diagnosis. That didn’t necessarily surprise me; however, throughout the week that followed, I was informed of other things about my life that made me realize most of my life had been a lie. I also met someone who, without them knowing, was somewhat connected to the information I received, and they ended up being a catalyst for significant change in my life. They, combined with all the information I received that week, have been a primary catalyst for the actions I’ve taken in my career over the past three years.

I’ve been on an in-depth self-discovery journey since 2008. This led me to become a therapist. One thing they do not teach you when you are becoming a therapist is how to handle your entire life collapsing on you. Yes, there are trauma therapists, grief counselors, and gurus aplenty; nothing truly helps on those nights when you want to crawl out of your skin because nothing brings comfort. IYKYK

I have utilized therapists on and off since I was around 7 years old. So when my life collapsed, I initially attempted to work with a therapist. It didn’t go so well. Mainly because when I would discuss the information, the therapists didn’t know what to do or say, or they would say things I was already saying to myself. I understood completely. I was a therapist, and I didn’t even know what to do or say! I had a couple of friends I would talk with, but that was helpful only to a certain point. Family, oh no! It’s becoming easier to speak with family, but since they are part of it, the transference experienced made things more complicated for me. For the first two years, I was raw doggin’ it (the Gen Z meaning of that term, though the other meaning could be applicable too, depending on how you look at it, lol). Then I met someone who had a similar story, and they have been kind enough to provide space for me to process everything, which I’m incredibly grateful for.

The first two years were messy. I leaned on all the tools I’ve acquired throughout my life to maintain equilibrium: prayer, meditation, nature, exercise, and so on. They worked well enough to keep my head above water. I leaned heavily into work, and I started Astrology school, so I was learning something new. Unfortunately, my work coincided with the information I was processing. It’s quite interesting doing your trauma work when you are helping others through their traumas, and many of their traumas were concerning your own. Not to mention that my experiences in the work environment were also part of what I was processing.

Astrology was the primary support I had through the first two years. Why is that? Because I was learning so much about myself through my birth chart, and specific aspects that were directly intertwined with childhood and life experiences, and who I am as a person. It helped me discern between who I was and what others had projected onto me. I was able to identify which aspects of my life were within my control and which ones were imposed upon me by others.

For me, studying astrology brought comfort. It also gave me a sense of awe and wonder as I pieced together my life with the timing of astrology. Even now, I’m still in awe. Astrology also connected me with the person I’ve been able to process with, whom I don’t know if I will ever be able to express the gratitude I have for them. It has only been in the past year that I’ve been able to truly process all the information. Although I still experience a rollercoaster of emotions regarding everything, it’s more like a kiddie coaster now.

The journey I have been on has given me the courage to speak on subjects that are typically controversial, yet essential to discuss, which is part of how I have coped through the chaos. Many of the conversations I’ve had are directly related to my career. However, my career and my personal life are very intertwined. I can’t go into specifics about my personal life, but I can provide details about my career and how they correlate.

Autism is a hot topic right now. I volunteered for Robert F. Kennedy’s presidential campaign and supported most aspects of the MAHA movement. I am not an anti-vaxxer; I am fully vaccinated, including for COVID-19. With that said, my experiences with the COVID-19 vaccine have played a significant role in the rollercoaster I’ve been on for the past several years. My stance on the subject of Autism is multi-dimensional. I believe that vaccines can play a role; however, I also believe several factors contribute. Many reject the idea that Autism is caused by trauma, from personal and professional experience, I embrace that idea and speak out on it. However, my experience with trauma extends to generational trauma that continues to live in our genetic memory. The evidence supporting this is being discovered through research on epigenetics. Currently, the evidence is not fully developed, yet I believe it will be within the next few years.

The other controversial subject that is not receiving nearly enough attention, especially since it is connected to the topic of autism, is the troubled teen and treatment center industry. I had the educational pleasure of acquiring my training hours primarily in the troubled teen and treatment center industry. For aspiring therapists, if you want the real-world experience of Western psychology, complete your associate hours in a hospital or residential treatment setting. There is a reason that many people choose not to complete their licensure.

My experience in that industry, combined with my personal experience, made it clear to me that a significant change was required in the entire field of Western psychology/medicine, our education system, and our government, to the extent that I actively chose not to renew my license in that field. There are several aspects of the license that I respect and continue to maintain as a coach; however, there are many more that I completely disagree with, and for one reason or another, the industry doesn’t address them.

I will only address one aspect in this blog, as it is the primary reason for much of the chaos I have experienced over the past three years. For anyone familiar with the troubled teen industry, I know you have heard the term “gooned” or “gooning”. For those unfamiliar with the industry, I will explain what it is and what its impact is on teenagers.

When the term “gooned” or “gooning” is used in relation to the troubled teen industry, it is when a teen is woken up in the middle of the night by two adults whom the teen does not know. Typically, they are military Veterans or former police officers. If the teen is male, there are two males. If the teen is female, there is one male and one female. The teen is directed to get dressed; they are not allowed to pack a bag or take any electronics. Depending on how cooperative the teen is, they may be handcuffed or have zip ties used on them. Typically, the facility they are being “gooned” to is out of state. If the teen is cooperative, they will fly. If they are not, they will drive. Each situation is different, but all require parents to sign documents granting legal guardianship to the transporters, also known as the “gooners.”

The Troubled Teen Industry comprises intensive outpatient programs (IOPs), partial hospitalization programs (PHPs), residential treatment centers (RTCs), long-term treatment centers (LTCs), therapeutic boarding schools (TBSs), and wilderness programs. Most LTCs, TBS, and wilderness programs require the teen to be transported.

When a teenager is sent to one of these programs, it is already a difficult time in the lives of both the teenager and their family. Every story is different, but they all have one thing in common: people are being physically, sexually, or emotionally harmed. Transport teams are typically utilized for the safety of all involved, even when it complicates the healing process. This process damages an already fractured attachment style. The first time this happened at an RTC I worked at, I was told more often than not, the teen works through it with their parents, and everything turns out ok. That was not my experience in the three years I worked in the RTC industry. I worked at four different programs, and they all had similar outcomes. Are there any successes? Yes, there are. I’m grateful to maintain contact with a few past clients, as well as some parents, and I'm pleased to hear that some of them are doing ok. With that said, there are several who have gone through that industry who are not doing well or are no longer alive.

In February 2024, a 12-year-old boy died the first night after he arrived by transport to a wilderness program. He is not the first one to die in these programs; Paris Hilton and others have been discussing this industry for decades. However, this was the first death that I had heard about since I began working in the industry. The moment I heard about that boy, I knew I could no longer hold a license in an industry that allows these programs to continue running. Since then, several other deaths have occurred, as well as at least one murder and several runaways.

This is a systemic problem, not just an industry problem. After working in the treatment industry for three years, combined with my personal experiences, I knew I had to do more. And I couldn’t do more while maintaining my license. Many people are unable to speak on this subject because if they do, they will lose their jobs. I have had conversations with people in the treatment industry as well as other industries that are related to the treatment world. Many people feel similarly to me. If you pay attention, many people are dropping their licenses and becoming coaches. Many teachers, doctors, and nurses are leaving their industries for similar reasons.

Coping through chaos has become second nature to me at this point, as much of my life has been chaotic. The past three years have been the most chaotic I’ve experienced, at least internally. Have I ruffled some feathers? Oh yeah, I have. Have I made a fool of myself? Maybe, but I don’t care. Have I lost some people? Yes, unfortunately, more than I’d have liked to. Do I regret anything? No, absolutely not.

Taking on this industry and system has left me with practically nothing, financially and materially. It has given me a whole lot more, though. I have had many challenging conversations with people, professional and loved ones. Some relationships have endured and become stronger. Others are still estranged, and I don’t know what the outcome will be. I have gained a level of self-awareness and self-confidence that I'd only ever dreamed of. I’m confident enough in my experiences to know what to speak up on and which ones I don’t know enough about, so I ask more questions. I have also learned how to trust myself, when to say no, and how to communicate boundaries when something is making me angry or uncomfortable. These are all the ways I continue to cope through the chaos in our country and world.

I am often told that if you don’t like something, don’t complain about it, do something about it. Well, that is what I’m doing. I don’t like the way our system currently is, so I’m doing something about it. Will anything change? I do see some things changing, but only time will tell.

To all those who are struggling through the chaos, find something to anchor yourself to: dive into a new hobby, find a good book to read, turn on your favorite music and dance it out, pray, meditate, or create some art. If you need assistance from a substance, pharmaceutical, OTC, or street grade, please be safe and make sure it’s not making things worse for you. Let me be more explicit with this one. Many substances and activities can help navigate stress; they may be prescribed by a doctor, suggested by a therapist, taught by coaches, clergy, or gurus, or initiated by a friend or loved one. They can also become problematic, specifically substances. I consider pharmaceuticals in the same category as any other substances. This is another topic that is not discussed enough. Pharmaceuticals can be just as harmful, and people can become just as dependent on them as OTC or street drugs; this includes antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. This is not to discredit the instances where pharmaceuticals have worked for people; rather, it is to acknowledge the times when pharmaceuticals have not worked or have made things worse.

This is a conversation that has to be had; it’s been started, let’s continue it. Having these conversations is how we cope through the chaos.