Suicide and Trauma: What Professionals Miss

From 2020 to 2022, I worked as an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist in a teen residential treatment center. For those who know this industry, surviving 2 years with one company is almost unheard of. There is a revolving door of staff at most treatment centers. I start with this because it provides personal evidence to support what professionals miss when it comes to suicide and trauma.

Suicide isn’t new to me. Unfortunately, I have known many people who have died by suicide or by overdose, which I put in the same category, if only for this blog and to simplify a complex topic. I have been forthcoming with others about my own experience with suicidal thoughts, though I have never shared details. One day, I may share my own story in its entirety. I am extremely cautious about secondary trauma, so I am still hesitant at this point.

I can remember when I was completing my degree and starting my first internship. I was excited and nervous at the same time. As part of the onboarding, we were asked what our biggest fear was when working with clients. Mine was having a client disclose they were having thoughts of suicide. In the comic nature of the universe, my very first client in my first session as a training therapist disclosed that they were having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t panic; I explored and then had them sign a contract with me that stated they would not act on their thoughts until a specific day, and they would give therapy a chance to help. This is one of the techniques taught to us in our classes. I have several different thoughts on this technique at this point in my career, and I’m grateful it worked for this client.

When I started working at the treatment center, training on how to handle reports of suicidal ideation (the clinical term for suicidal thoughts) was interesting. We had to do a report and have the client sign a safety contract, similar to what I did with my first client. However, in the treatment industry, the mentality around suicidal ideation is subpar and, in my opinion, quite harmful. We are taught that suicidal ideation is a form of attention seeking. If it is someone who reports these thoughts frequently, they are not taken seriously, and typically, the client will be labeled with a personality disorder and considered incurable. It was quite sad and disheartening to learn that professionals viewed their clients this way.

Throughout my life, there have been a couple of times I have experienced suicidal ideation. One was shame-based, for which there was absolutely no reason for me to feel shameful. I now realize that, because of the way I was raised, shame was the first emotion I experienced after an encounter I had at a party. It happened when I was in my early 20s. I navigated the thoughts on my own and kept the secret until only recently, when I was processing past traumas. Though similar encounters happened a few more times after that, I didn’t feel shame around them. Once again, I never discussed those moments with anyone until recently. Anytime I experienced suicidal thoughts after that first time, they were due to hormones and adverse reactions to pharmaceuticals.

For the past 3 years, I have been on a mission to dismantle the Western model of psychiatry and dispose of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). There are myriad of reasons for this mission, and recently, I discovered a prodigious movement in my mission when the American Psychiatric Association announced a radical change in how it will approach diagnosis. If done well, this could transform the future of medicine and benefit all of humanity. This is what I am most hopeful for.

For those who don’t follow me on LinkedIn, I have been very outspoken about many aspects of our country’s medical and psychiatric industry. I have openly shared many of my experiences, personal and professional. I have kept one major aspect of my experience to myself to protect everyone who was involved. Today I’m going to share that story.

I’m going to keep this simple and factual. If you want to dismiss my experience or have the mentality of “you can’t prove that”, I ask that you stop reading or don’t comment. I’m done defending myself to people who are unwilling to accept the reality of the situation.

Within 48 hours of receiving the second dose of the Pfizer Covid vaccine, I began having consistent suicidal thoughts. I utilized all of the therapeutic tools that I had been taught, had used on multiple occasions for anxiety, and had always worked.  Those tools kept me going and prevented me from acting on those thoughts.

When my job mandated the third booster, I sought an exemption from my doctor. My doctor told me I couldn’t prove that the suicidal ideation was caused by the vaccine, and they could not provide me with an exemption because I didn’t have an anaphylactic reaction. This doctor did not ask me questions about my thoughts, explore any other possible reasons for them, or give me treatment options.

A week before the deadline, I was in clinical supervision with a colleague and our clinical supervisor. The supervisor reminded us of the deadline, and I snapped. I stated that I had been suicidal since the second dose, and I did not want to deal with this sh*t anymore. Crickets. They both just stared at me. Neither of them asked me anything, and neither followed up with me after.

Ultimately, I met with a psychiatrist who prescribed me Adderall. I was very grateful that it helped. However, I also had an adverse reaction to it that I didn’t discover until there was an Adderall shortage, and I had to stop taking it. While I was taking it, I started feeling better. I started working out regularly, and my body and mind felt good. My psych evals were all WNL (within normal limits).

When I started feeling better, things at work went sideways. I started being more vocal about how cases were being handled, and with one case in particular, I was not going to keep my mouth shut. I was professional and followed the necessary channels. This led to 3 months of retaliation and ultimately a dismissal from the organization. During those 3 months of retaliation, I was explicitly told I was not allowed to discuss anything with my colleagues, which led to the loss of friendships and core support systems.

Navigating life at that time was not easy, especially after the dismissal. California’s unemployment and healthcare systems were very difficult to navigate. The Adderall shortage and lack of healthcare left me without meds, which I ultimately am grateful for. There were family developments that added to the stress, and most of the professionals I interacted with were unhelpful. Some made things worse.

I kept showing up for life. I kept seeing my virtual clients. I continued to lean on all of my therapeutic tools. Some were easier to do than others. Private conversations were had with many people. I learned who I could trust and who I couldn’t.

Recently, I saw a LinkedIn post from one of my former professors. They are currently conducting research on suicide to help professionals understand how to best support those who have suicidal ideation. I have not been in communication with this professor since I took their class; however, their post made me feel seen. I attempted to fill out the survey, but reading the first question made me realize how raw I still am from my experience.

It's been almost a year since I decided to drop my license. I don’t regret that decision. As a matter of fact, I don’t regret any of the decisions I have made in the past several years. There is something very freeing about saying IDGAF and trusting your own experiences.

If you want to help those with suicidal thoughts, learn about trauma and pay more attention to the possible side effects of medications. The first time I experienced a suicidal thought due to a pharmaceutical was in my late 20s when my doctor switched my birth control pill. I contacted the office to discuss what I was experiencing and was told to keep taking it, that my body would adjust. I instantly threw the pills away, found a new gynecologist, and never took another birth control pill again. Trauma is not just one bad experience. It isn’t one bad relationship. Trauma is how life experiences and medications impact the nervous system.  When your life experiences are minimized or dismissed, it’s easy to feel like what’s the point in existing?

For the first time in a very long time, I’m hopeful for the future of humanity and our healthcare system. I look forward to the day I can say Mission Accomplished.